How to tell if a guy is a douchebag based off his car

How to tell if a guy is a douchebag based off his car

Red flags

Text: Daryl Lee

Dating is hard.

Dating someone who has their own car is somewhat less hard, given you and your date won’t be at the mercy of such things as surge pricing or even the ability to get a ride to/from wherever you’re going.

Then again, dating someone without a car would also mean that you don't have to deal with the pitfalls below.

Broadly speaking, one of these automotive no-no’s isn’t too bad. But two or more and it should be a cue for you to cut and run as soon as you can. Now, we should make it clear that doing dubious things to your car is not indicative of any major sort of character flaw (sociopathy, history of serial killing, etc.), but it is an indicator of poor taste.

And taste, my dear friends, is everything.

Matte exterior finishes

In all fairness, there are some cars out there that look good with matte finishes. Specifically, tanks and the Batmobile. If your date’s car isn’t any of the above vehicles, then a matte exterior is a pretty sure indicator they might also have the following when you step inside. 

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A constellation of gauges

Even full-blown race cars don’t have banks and banks of gauges, because you know, they’re kinda distracting. A race car’s instrument cluster is a delightfully simple thing, displaying only pertinent things like telling you when to shift up, a rev counter and perhaps engine oil temperature (or something that tells you how close the car is to blowing up). Information overload is real, folks. And since we’re on the topic of race cars…

Lots of stickers

There’s a good reason why race cars look the way they do. You see all those decals and lurid paintwork? Well, racing teams are paid huge sums of money by sponsors to have their branding splashed all over their cars. Then again, we’d debate the merit of putting logos on a billboardthat moves well in excess of 200km/h, but we digress. Unless your date is being paid to have their ride plastered with branding, there simply is no excuse. And contrary to popular belief, a sticker does not add 5hp to your car’s power output.

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Wings, lots of them

Again, there’s a reason why race cars have such ludicrous bodykits. They’re actually functional, to allow them to stick to the track and allow them to take corners faster. A road car, at speeds that won't get you in trouble with the law, isn’t going fast enough to take advantage of those aerodynamic aids. Which makes the huge wing on the car that just rocked up to pick you up a purely cosmetic add-on. A particuarly distasteful cosmetic add-on, if we may make so bold.

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Air fresheners, lots of them

Look, just don’t, alright. We get cars can sometimes smell pretty funky even though they're cleaned regularly, which is why air fresheners can definitely come in handy. But you know those cars that feel like you’re hitting a wall of cheap scent the moment you get in? Yeah, those. Not cool, especially if you’ve got sensitive sinuses.

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A constant work in progress

Whether it’s being prepared for a new modification, or if it’s in a constant state of near-disrepair, that’s a bad sign. In the case of the former, it could indicate the sign of a compulsive modding addiction, it’s like the automotive equivalent of people who are addicted to cosmetic surgery. For the latter, well, we think why it’s bad is kinda self-explanatory.

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