That Marie Kondo life: 8 reasons why we're never KonMari-ing (aka organising) our closets
Disorganised, and we like it that way
In case you've not heard, organisation-porn goddess Marie Kondo now has a Netflix show, in which she brings her KonMari spring-cleaning and storage philosophy to the (non-reading) masses. At the risk of sounding xenophobic, the Japanese — and the Scandinavians (hello, dostadning) — have cornered the market on a chi-chi brand of minimalism that promises emotional clarity and peace of mind. However, we’re not entirely convinced that it's all it's cracked up to be. Shopping and dressing conscientiously is one thing, sure, but having your living quarters in order isn't exactly a substitute for therapy or proper introspection.
So, below — as a counterbalance to the burgeoning wave of KonMari converts — we've listed some of our (tongue-in-cheek, obvi) objections to key preachings of this millennial Martha Stewart. Fasten your seat belt and unstow your sense of humour.
1. Empty your closets into a big pile on the floor, to fully grasp just how much you own
*Shuffles feet and stares at the ground, pretends that floor piles aren't already our wardrobes' default mode*
2. Keep only things that spark joy
'Sparking joy' is a pretty tall order for clothes, no matter how much we may appreciate wearing them. If we stuck rigidly to the textbook definition of ‘joy’, we'd be going commando every day in, like, all two of our party dresses. Now, if only we did with spouses and partners what Kondo suggests we do with our wardrobes. Teehee.
3. Don't go shopping with your family and friends
But then... we wouldn't have anyone to enable our shopping habit, or to gracefully shoulder the blame for our inevitable buyer's regret. How else are we meant to know if our blood kin and posse truly love us?
4. Whether well-used or underused, thank your clothes for the pleasure and service they've provided
Unless they're willing to take the fall for crimes we've committed, we don't think inanimate objects deserve our gratitude. Plus, not all of them reply to you when you address them. Rude.
5. Fold your clothing, reverently
Nah, we much prefer scrunching them up into little balls, as we do with garbage. Clothes make the (wo)man, and we're A-ok with admitting we're total trash — or at least feel like it on the inside. PS: if you think that way about yourself, consider therapy darling. You are not trash.
6. Matryoshka-doll/Human Centipede your handbags to maximise storage
A.k.a, forced cannibalism. And here we thought we were meant to humanise our belongings... So confused.
7. Use shoeboxes as temporary storage, or to figure out how much storage space is actually needed volume-wise before purchasing furniture
Sure, if we had a Mariah Carey-level shoe collection. One day, one day.
8. Don't buy anything unnecessary
*Cue civilisation’s collapse*