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5 funny (but helpful) ways to hide your festive food baby

5 funny (but helpful) ways to hide your festive food baby

Miracle workers

Text: Jolene Khor


What to expect when you're (looking like you're) expecting

Hey. It's okay. We've all been there. There's no need to beat yourself up for having second servings of the honey glazed ham, insisting on beasting out solo on the turkey leg with extra stuffing, and 'chope-ing' the last of the Christmas pudding despite protests from the crying toddler — you're better able to appreciate it anyway. Food should not go to waste when there are so many less fortunate people in the world who are unable to celebrate, much less overeat, on Christmas Day. 'Tis the season and all that.

Just one thing: Don't expect to wake up to your post-detox July body tomorrow. There are consequences to gluttony my fellow foodies, the most savage of all being the semi-permanent food baby. Should your little bump of joy fail to disappear by morning (this was your fifth feast of the week; what did you expect?) we've got you covered. Literally.

Read on below to find out what to expect of your upcoming festive OOTDs while you look like you're expecting. And to fight the food coma. Good luck on both.

QUICK. HIDE THE BABY!
What you can do: Swap your bodycons for a burlap sack.
What you should do: To conceal last night's sins, call upon your shift dresses to do your bidding — this December's picks come bathed in sequins and lush velvet to smooth you over until you get your pre-food baby body back. See you on the treadmill on January 1.

EYES DOWN THERE
What you can do: Stare at your feet.
What you should do: Remind your audience about your best assets — them legs for days — and nobody will pay no mind to your midsection. OTT footwear, particularly those with needlepoint tips, and highway-to-danger-zone slits take care of business.

WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE
What you can do: Pretend like it's not there.
What you should do: Pretend like it's not there. It's a bird! It's a plane! Oh wow, nice bag honey. Magicians know this: The art of misdirection is crucial in a trick. Make Houdini proud with decorated necklines, heavy embellishments, statement sleeves or, if you dare, a dipping décoletté. They won't know what hit them.

COULD YOU WRAP IT UP ALREADY
What you can do: Wear a bathrobe on New Year's Eve.
What you should do: There's a reason why Diane von Furstenberg's wrap dress is dubbed "one of the hardest working garments in any hard-working woman's wardrobe" since the 1970's by Refinery29. A gift that keeps giving, the silhouette owes its icon status to the fact that it's figure-flattering without fail, even as it's transformed into kimonos, jumpsuits and slips in this decade.

PUT A LID ON IT
What you can do: Stay in bed and wait for the parties to end.
What you should do: This is the closest thing to "giving up" we will allow. Short of hiding under the bedsheets, oversized jackets are guaranteed to make you look smaller in a jiffy. Over a mini dress, some rouge and knee highs later, you're practically a new woman.

Bershka, Pull & Bear, Stradivarius and Zara's festive collections are out in stores.

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