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How to hide your food baby in fashion after all the festive feasting over Christmas and New Year

How to hide your food baby in fashion after all the festive feasting over Christmas and New Year

No shame

Text: Gordon Ng

Editor: Jolene Khor


We get it, the resolutions will come soon. The gym, a diet, a lifestyle change, wellness — all those promises you make yourself on the impetus of regrets from the festive season. In the meantime, however, is the more pressing question of what to do while the holiday bump and food baby are still around. Eating and drinking less is — to our minds — out of the question, so here are some quick tips you might find helpful when you have a post-meal bulge to hide.

Tulle, and lots of it

Turns out the society ladies from the past had the right idea, because tulle — and when you've got layers of it stacked around your body — is fantastic at hiding a tummy. Best of all, Molly Goddard's dresses already come floofy and voluminous, so you can eat and eat without looking any different.

 

Be absent

Look at Lil Miquela's incredible flat abs. There's no way she thinks about hiding a food baby. Has she ever had to worry about sneakily unbuttoning the top button of her trousers so she can breathe a little during a very hearty dinner? No. Lil Miquela also, simply put, doesn't exist in the real world. You could choose to not turn up, cancel plans, or make an appearance via video call — anything to avoid being corporeal in the same space as other people. No show, no problem.

 

Strategic poses only

The good news is your food baby is only going to be visible from the front (and maybe the sides). The bad news is that people are likely going to want a picture of you, well, from the front. The obvious solution: strike a dynamic pose. Choose an outfit with a nice detail on the back — a scoop, sash, whatever. Use that as an excuse: "this is the point of the outfit", "this angle works best", something like that. Turn around, then look over your shoulder and smile because you've eaten your fill and outsmarted the camera.

 

Distract them

Think of this as sleight of hand, except you're just using the weirdness of an outfit do the distracting for you. An easy place to start is Comme des Garcons. Unless your friends and family are big fashion nerds, chances are they'll be spending the entire night trying to decode and decipher your enigmatic runway Comme. Food baby? Where? All they'll notice are the inexplicable ruffles, cutouts and protrusions of fabric.

 

Or, just embrace it

Lizzo is feeling good as hell, are you? If all else fails, just channel full body positivity and flaunt your bulging belly. It is, after all, a new decade. Fat shaming is evil, and your food baby is worth celebrating now. That's how bodies work! You put food in them, they get a little bigger, big deal! Happy New Year everyone, pour another round of champagne!

 

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