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The Social Distance Project: Funny, relatable relationship drama and stories coming out of the global coronavirus quarantine

The Social Distance Project: Funny, relatable relationship drama and stories coming out of the global coronavirus quarantine

Farts and fights

Text: Karelle Ng


There's only so much Netflix and Instagram that we can consume. But where else can you go for some funny and relatable content? Meet The Social Distance Project, a website started by journalist Meg Zukin detailing people's relationship drama during the coronavirus lockdown.

It started with a hilarious tweet asking for quarantine gossip and stories. Then Zukin's inbox started to blow up. Days later, she built a site to publish all the anonymous stories. Taking a step further, she started to charging a $1 donation fee for every story submitted and it wasn't long before the project raked voluntary donations in the thousands, benefitting over 70 organisations. Read the 15 most memorable ones below (p.s. the first one's my favourite!).

radical acceptance

Last week, my roommate's boyfriend got sick with either coronavirus or ongoing hypochondria – either way I wanted a break from his antics. But, as it turns out, co-dependent relationships don't hold up well in pandemics marked by separation. On Friday night, came the tantrum – "how could you choose to quarantine with him (me) and not with ME (and my needs)?" I was the other woman, in my own home. The next day, my roommate to disappeared, met up with his boyfriend, and came home with his boyfriend. "I think we need to radically accept that we all share the same germs anyway so it's okay for us to all be together." I was not pleased: "Look, I'm sorry it's hard for you to be alone right now, but what's happening in the world is not about you, it's about everyone's health and safety." The response I received was was an iconic brand of selfishness: "Me being separated from my boyfriend is a threat to my health and safety – YOU are putting ME at risk." Selfishness is the much more dangerous pandemic and it will be here long after COVID-19. He's currently in our shower.

bad vibrations

I haven't spend this much time at home with my husband in 5 years. I have convinced myself that all of his farts are just my phone vibrating. It's the only thing holding us together.

here kitty kitty

I'm getting divorced, but thankfully my husband is not quarantined with me in our house. I live alone with my cat who really likes the sound of my vibrator. It's become a problem. I have to lock her in a separate room away from mine, otherwise she'll sit outside my bedroom door meowing loudly and scratching, trying to break in.

people are dying, kim

To all the 1% women (and/or the primary household cleaner) that are realizing they will have to clean their house for the first time in 20 years themselves...... Don't worry you aren't alone. My mom can't find the mop. Isn't even sure we own a mop.

this shit is creepy as f**k.

It's like The Andromeda Strain and John Carpenter's "The Thing" and Close Encounters of the Third Kind all rolled into one.

Close Encounters because "the government" fools all those people into evacuating a whole region and kills animals to terrify the people to get out.
The Andromeda Strain because people are freaking out over who has the virus. Even scientists.
And the intense xenophobia from "The Thing".

i, too, have smelled like a boys' locker room

Day something or other of quarantine. Accidentally caught a whiff of myself while making breakfast. Put the omelette on hold to go take a shower.

puppy love

This morning I asked my partner for reassurance that I am a good dog dad. Ten minutes later she broke up with me stating, "this relationship is too hard for me." We are currently quarantined together and I'm not really sure how to give her space in this pandemic. Pretty sure my dog still loves me tho.

gumstruck

My mum stuck gum in her ears. She was working from home and found the household too loud so, all alone in her room and unbeknownst to anyone, she stuck a giant wad of gum in each ear. She came downstairs after several hours of working with gum in her ears, crying that there was gum stuck in her hair. We were all dumbstruck.

spoonful of sweetness

My little brother is 15. He's the last sibling that resides in Miami with our parents and I in Orlando. He doesn't answer my calls often and doesn't call me back. He's at the adolescent age of friends friends friends. Since social distancing and quarantine became a requirement my brother has called me everyday. Not necessarily saying anything but asking when I'm coming home. I'm going home today to spend sometime with him. Thank you Coronavirus.

equal rights

A couple of nights ago I cooked dinner then we settled down after on the couch. He had eaten a stick icecream and then couldn't be bothered to get up and get another one, so asked me to. I was like, "Can't you?" Then he said I had some lint in my hair. I asked him to brush it out and he said no because i wouldn't get up to get him an ice cream. Which sparked an argument that lasted all night where we didn't talk to each other till the next morning.

no soup for you!

My boyfriend and I drove 11 hours north, stopping once for gas. We almost broke up 3 separate times during the drive. Tensions are running high. Today I kicked him while he was stirring soup on the stove and that made me feel a little better.

sex and death 101

I live on a tiny island with 300 people. My mum died a month and a half ago and I broke up with my ex of a year and a half just before xmas. I started seeing a fling from my past and invited him to come stay with me hoping to be as discreet as possible so as not to look like a heartless monster. We are both currently stuck cohabiting as his living arrangements have fallen through on the mainland. We have no money. He is getting restless and I am getting annoyed at his living habits. We are having a tremendous amount of great sex at least.

from the bowels of my heart

Just walked in on my boyfriend (after 3 hours of gaming with his friends) having a very serious, very heartfelt discussion with our foster dog about how he needs to "poop for us, buddy. please god just go poop for me" who then proceeded to carry the dog outside, set him in the grass and do parkour on our porch while he waited for the shit of the century.

training our whole lives for this

In a way, my husband and I have been training for this self quarantine thing for YEARS. We have lived and worked on a boat in the Caribbean for what feels like forever and regularly go weeks without touching land that has anyone else on it. Our superpowers include existing in the same space without actually interacting verbally for hours at a time and agreeing upon what to make for meals with a dwindling fresh food supply. Not to mention I can wear a bikini the whole time and jump in the water if I'm getting stir crazy. Most people we come into contact with think we're nuts for living the way we do, but our time to shine has finally arrived. Bring on the isolation!

day three

Day three. My boyfriend got so angry at me for drinking a sip of his water that we got into a huge fight and I made him sleep outside in his car.

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