Why Santa's the best guy ever
1. He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake
Does it get any more romantic than this? A regular guy will just roll over and fall asleep, but not this fella. He stays up to watch you sleep, memorising your every curve and listening to your snores like a lovelorn teenage boy. Sure, you have to put out some milk and cookies by the bed if he gets hungry in the middle of the night, but it's comforting to have a fellow spoon right by your side. Bonus: He can also double up as security.
2. You get to play nice with him in the day and be naughty with him at night
Yes, you can be that lady in the streets and a total freak in the sheets, and he's all for it. Even better, he writes down every good and bad deed you do, so that he knows just exactly how to reward you — handsomely — for it. Of course, he might be susceptible to using emotional blackmail (those bad deeds don't go unnoticed too), but we'll let it pass.
3. He redefines masculinity
This man's not afraid to let himself go, isn't opposed to cross-dressing (black patent leather boots and a red suit, check) and know just what to do to treat yourself. Save the gym bunnies for someone else — we'd rather have a man who enjoys all the things in life, than just some douchey gym selfie-taking guy who's out to prove himself.
4. He's international
Talk about a global nomad. Santa might be from up north but he's popular down there where it's wetter, too. This polyglot is good with people and species of all genders, ages and occupations, so you know he won't embarrass you by making an off-coloured remark at your office Christmas party. He's probably played PC police as an occupational hazard, too.
5. He's good with children
Need we say more? Give us a man who's good with kids, and we'll serve up a platter of ovaries. Yes, just take a moment for that image to sink in...