5 barbers in Singapore we would recommend to Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un
There are many things we wonder about on a frequent basis. Like why Matt Stone and Trey Parker haven't yet made a sequel to their brilliant, supermarionette extravaganza Team America: World Police, how many Birkin bags one woman could realistically hope to acquire in a lifetime, and why Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un have such bad hair.
From Trump's orange mop that has spawned a thousand memes to Kim's bizarre, old-timey undercut that makes him look like the lost, fourth stooge, these two must have barbers that seriously hate them, funhouse mirrors installed on every floor, or a disturbingly inflated sense of self. Now that they are tentatively scheduled to meet in Singapore for the North Korea Summit in June, they have a chance to bond over better haircuts. Here are the barbers and salons we would recommend to them for a life-changing snip and a chance to see a slice of Singapore. And no, Sweeney Todd is not one of them.
We Need a Hero
The obvious choice is this hipster salon run by the Spa Esprit group in the trendy Tiong Bahru neighbourhood. If there ever was a time that the world needed its leaders to step up and save us from impending nuclear catastrophe, it's now. Kim can get a firsthand feel of how gentrification of older neighbourhoods in Pyongyang can help raise the rent of the entire area and drive out the riff-raff, while the Donald can try a local kopi in one of those nearby coffeeshops and get to understand the ground sentiment a bit better. While they're there, both men may want to try a haircut from the chief barber and get their brows groomed.
Politicians love to boast about how they understand and empathise with the common man. For both Kim and Trump, that has been part of their political doublespeak for the longest time. What better way to feel common than to go for a chop and crop at Supercuts. Heck, we're not even sure if this generic hair salon chain is a franchise of the American original, but like his penchant for McDonald's, we're sure Trump will feel safer with a trusted name. This would also be the perfect opportunity for him to school Kim on the benefits of an open door policy and the wonders of globalisation.
Sultans of Shave
Again another obvious choice because both men will certainly enjoy the royal treatment they'll no doubt receive at this top-rated barber. I mean check out the painting hung on the ceiling! Our only quandary would be which outlet to send them to. The new Duxton Hill outlet will be a good opportunity for both to be immersed in the quaint and historical surroundings of a traditional shophouse, while the Orchard Road outlet would be easier for them to work on their shopping lists. But our vote would be the original outlet near Raffles Place. We recommend their minders schedule their appointments at knock-off time, so they can have a better feel of Singapore's own brand of corporate slavery. There's no better place for people watching. And we're sure Kim would marvel at the synchronicity and spectacle of thousands of souless drones chugging along mindlessly during peak hour.
Grease Monkey Barber Garage
If the duo want a bit of street culture, they can hit up this trendy barber in the Little India area. The manly space that is decorated with a neon light that spells out 'Uncouth', vinyl barber chairs and monster bikes is where the coolest guys go for tightest haircuts. Since both Trump and Kim have shown their willingness to push the envelope, this would be the perfect place to take their hairdon'ts to the next level. May we recommend an unfussy buzzcut for Trump that won't blow unflatteringly in the wind, and that Kim google 'haircuts for guys with round faces'. Apparently, the undercut is not the best choice.
Deep Cuts Barber's
Another barbershop located in a historic neighbourhood (Kampong Glam) that is perfect for a dose of culture, we confess we chose this one mainly because of the name. Despite being relatively new, Deep Cuts has stellar ratings and purportedly great service, and the prices are refreshingly affordable. Its attic location will also grant the kind of privacy and security these two world leaders no doubt demand. While there, Trump and Kim should do the Gent's Cut and the Hot Towel Shave which is a traditional men's shave with a (fresh) straight razor, for the cleanest and closest shave possible. Make it really, really close.