Sexy: Ranking celeb fragrances on appearance alone

Judging a book by its cover

  • 18.11.2021
  • By Emily Heng

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There is something undeniably sensual about fragrances. They smell completely different once they’ve settled onto a user, providing a personalised scent tailored to one’s skin chemistry; it grants sensorial stimulation that cannot be replicated via Zoom or interactions that aren’t face-to-face; and it typically is the first thing that leads when an individual enters a room. So, yes: Perfumes are sexy, even conceptually. But did the celebrities who made them understand the assignment? Or did they flop epically in their quest to encapsulate their essence into an odour? We rank ‘em all below based on name and sheer aesthetic value, below.

Eilish by Billie Eilish
It’s a little on the nose, name-wise. And while we can all agree that Eilish speaking up on body image and ownership can be classified as an erotic gesture in modern times, it’s not something that immediately comes to mind when her name comes up. The messaging: Confusing. The packaging, however: Amazing. Who doesn’t want a gold-plated bust resting on their vanity? Buy this for anyone who needs a reminder of how beautiful the female form is.

Fenty Eau de Parfum by Rihanna
It is through reputation alone that bad gal RiRi gets away with this lacklustre naming choice. On anyone else, it comes off as lazy. When it comes to Rihanna, however, it is merely an embracing of her status as an all-around legend. The bottle — while simplistic — comes in a beautiful clear amber that reflects light extraordinarily, allowing for pitch-perfect Instagram shots which also serve as humble brags. Oh, you didn’t get your paws on the Fenty EDP before it sold out again? Sucks.

God is a Woman by Ariana Grande
She shoots, she scores. It has a name that (rightly!) affirms gender superiority (jk). It comes in a unique shape that keeps people guessing. There’s a delightful hint of purple featured that pays tribute to Grande’s Sweetener era, where the colour was prominently featured in all promotional materials. Yeah, talk about a well thought-out fragrance campaign. GIAW truly ticks all of the boxes: emitting sexiness while also staying true to the artist’s disposition. Kudos all around, please.

Scent from Above by Dolly Parton
Nostalgia is always in season, which is why Dolly Parton’s perfume made the list. The cheesy name choice brings to mind the best of the Y2K era, as does the inclusion of butterflies alongside its flagrant utilisation of pink. Besides, is there anything more provocative than staying true to your roots despite the existence of some people out there determined to tear that down? We think not. Good job, Dolly.

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R, O, and W from Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen
Traditional parfums, these are not. Instead, the Olsen twins have crafted three “hand-blended oils” which heavily feature notes of sandalwood. They’re unisex (hot); comes in a rollerball format (convenience is very sexy); and are only available in limited quantities at The Row’s flagship stores (that’s alluring, alright). Also, it has been said that the sandalwood used in said scents are from a collector with a “precious stash” that “had been sealed for over 20 years.” This translates to a scent that metaphorically “stops time” — which, as well know, is just about everyone’s dream. Tantalizing stuff, indeed.

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