As Jean-Paul Sartre once proclaimed — "Hell is other people"
As the year draws to a close, many grow sentimental. Some bid farewell to the year in the hopes that the coming one will bring good tidings, a fatter paycheck, and a lucky strike in the lottery. As we gather around the punch bowl to toast to the new year, we take a look at some of the usual suspects that'll surface at your new year's eve gig. Whether you're counting down at a snazzy party or having a cosy one at home, there's no escaping this lot.
1. The Snapchatter
Modus operandi: They think the world revolves around their lens — even if their snaps are more Blair Witch Project than Federico Fellini. By recording every moment of the party, they strive to remain in the moment — but are they? Does life imitate art or vice versa? Let's not get meta about it here.
How to deal with them: Can't beat them? Join them. Raise a mock toast to the camera when you see it closing in on your face. Snapchatters always appreciate the cameo, no matter how reluctant.
2. The Animal Molester
Modus operandi: You'll see them stalking anything on four legs. There's lots of stroking, cuddling, and cooing involved. They might even coax the animal into taking a #catfie or two. They didn't come to socialise with humans. They're just here to ring in the new year with their adopted pet.
How to deal with them: Since they mostly keep to themselves, they are really quite harmless and neither add nor subtract to the party experience. Just let them be. But if the animal in question looks visibly stressed, call the SPCA.
3. The Alcoholic
Modus operandi: You'll smell them before you see them. They usually ply multiple party routes to empty the bar before moving into new and well-watered territories.
How to deal with them: Hide the premium stash and fuel them with the cheapest alcohol at the table. Who wants to see a vintage Petrus fall into the hands of guzzler? Not us.
4. The Lovebirds
Modus operandi: Probably found each other on Tinder a month ago. Still cruising in the infatuation stage. Love conquers all! You complete me! Let's make-out on the couch!
How to deal with them: Don't let the DJ spin anything remotely romantic. Keep the EDM rolling. If you want to be really cheeky, get your drop-dead gorgeous friend to flirt with the dude. Then sit back and watch. Pass the popcorn, please.
5. The #ForeverAlone
Modus operandi: Probably found and lost love on Tinder a month ago. Still vascillating between moments of anger, self-doubt, and denial. Love conquers all? Am I that undateable? Is 2016 the year for me?
How to deal with them: Don't let them anywhere near The Lovebirds (see above). Gather all the singles in the room for a game of Cards Against Humanity. Introduce copious amounts of alcohol. Wait for the beer goggles to calibrate. Sparks will fly.